Over the past year, I have felt many uncertainties of what to do next. There's so much I don't know right now, but I know that Chris and I want children. In this post, I plan to share my feelings. I plan to glorify God in all that I say right now, so I hope and pray that's what will happen.
I've noticed that when you want to be a parent for as long as I have, the holidays are tough. That's a time of the year that I feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by a whole group of people. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's, Easter, Mother's Day..........all these holidays go by with me watching people doing all this fun stuff with their small children. I don't have that. It breaks my heart. My husband has been amazingly supportive, but there's only so much he can understand. He's not a woman, so it truly is different for him. He wants a child as much as I do, but he also hates seeing me so upset because there's nothing he can do to fix it.
Over the past month, I've felt a very strong desire to blog, but I've kept my feelings inside. I started praying that my desires would line up with God's will. Yesterday, I got this feeling that us having biological children just isn't in the plan. I could be wrong, but I really feel that. When I felt that, I got kinda mad because it's not what I want for my life. There's times when I still want to adopt and times that I really do not want to at all. On some days, I just want it to be Chris and I for our whole lives. I don't really know what to do. It has been a very desperate feeling.
A few months ago, I went to my ob/gyn appointment with the most amazing doctor. He has been great through all of this. He suggested the laparoscopy last year. At my most recent appointment, he suggested a few things. One of those was to put me on letrozole, which has been used as a fertility drug. That's all we're doing at the moment, other than praying.
I don't say all this to make people feel uncomfortable around me. I just want the average person to get a glimpse into how I feel. Please know that I am still profoundly blessed and am so thankful for my life, even if we never have children. I have a husband who loves me more than I can truly explain, and I know that there's many people who can't say that.
My prayer now is that God will reveal His will to me, that I'll accept it, and that I'll be fulfilled in it. I want things of the flesh, but I also want my desires to reflect His desires. I have such mixed feelings right now, but I know that if this is my prayer, then God will reveal his plan to me. I just hope He provides me with peace and the strength it will take to choose His way and not mine.
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