Over the past year, I have felt many uncertainties of what to do next. There's so much I don't know right now, but I know that Chris and I want children. In this post, I plan to share my feelings. I plan to glorify God in all that I say right now, so I hope and pray that's what will happen.
I've noticed that when you want to be a parent for as long as I have, the holidays are tough. That's a time of the year that I feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by a whole group of people. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's, Easter, Mother's Day..........all these holidays go by with me watching people doing all this fun stuff with their small children. I don't have that. It breaks my heart. My husband has been amazingly supportive, but there's only so much he can understand. He's not a woman, so it truly is different for him. He wants a child as much as I do, but he also hates seeing me so upset because there's nothing he can do to fix it.
Over the past month, I've felt a very strong desire to blog, but I've kept my feelings inside. I started praying that my desires would line up with God's will. Yesterday, I got this feeling that us having biological children just isn't in the plan. I could be wrong, but I really feel that. When I felt that, I got kinda mad because it's not what I want for my life. There's times when I still want to adopt and times that I really do not want to at all. On some days, I just want it to be Chris and I for our whole lives. I don't really know what to do. It has been a very desperate feeling.
A few months ago, I went to my ob/gyn appointment with the most amazing doctor. He has been great through all of this. He suggested the laparoscopy last year. At my most recent appointment, he suggested a few things. One of those was to put me on letrozole, which has been used as a fertility drug. That's all we're doing at the moment, other than praying.
I don't say all this to make people feel uncomfortable around me. I just want the average person to get a glimpse into how I feel. Please know that I am still profoundly blessed and am so thankful for my life, even if we never have children. I have a husband who loves me more than I can truly explain, and I know that there's many people who can't say that.
My prayer now is that God will reveal His will to me, that I'll accept it, and that I'll be fulfilled in it. I want things of the flesh, but I also want my desires to reflect His desires. I have such mixed feelings right now, but I know that if this is my prayer, then God will reveal his plan to me. I just hope He provides me with peace and the strength it will take to choose His way and not mine.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
A Whole Year Later....
I apologize for being gone so long. A lot has happened since my last post. I was very angry then. And hurt. I've been planning to blog for about a month now, but I just haven't gotten around to it. This is past due.
Less than a month after my last post, Chris and I began a process of healing. However, we didn't know it at the time. Chris was coaching a new AAU team. Our original team was graduating high school, and Chris had a few kids who were high school juniors who needed a team. Two of those boys were Ade and John Paul. Those of you who are close to us know those names. If you don't know those names, then keep reading.
Immediately, Chris and I felt attached to Ade and John Paul. They played high school basketball with one of the team members from our original team. Ade is from Nigeria and John Paul is from Saint Lucia. We met them in March, and they started confiding in us about some of the unbelievable things that were happening to them. Instead of going into details, just trust me that they were living in less than desirable living conditions. We offered for them to live with us, and we'd help them find a new school. They took our offer, and we became an instant family. Unfortunately, we weren't able to find the boys a school nearby, even though my husband and I called around and interviewed with multiple schools. The local schools weren't qualified to accept foreign students. So, Chris found a school in Indiana. Since they've been gone, we have been able to bring them home and go on college visits, but we really miss having them at home.
Chris and I have fallen in love with these boys as if they were our own. The last year hasn't been the easiest thing for us, but these boys have made me feel like a mother, which is something I've wanted for a long time. I can't wait to bring them home in June before they move into college.
I am forever grateful for their parents who felt compelled to send them to school in America so they could bring me such happiness. I hope I get to meet their parents one day and tell them what amazing young men they raised. There have been a few parenting moments that haven't been easy, but I wouldn't change anything about the past year with them. There have been some very awesome parenting moments too!
This is surely not the life I planned for myself, but I have grown so much in the Lord over the past year. He has helped me see wonderful qualities in these 2 boys that I would love to see in my own children. I am terribly proud of them and can't wait to see them graduate next week. I am so happy for them and love them more than I ever could've imagined I could love someone else's children.
Less than a month after my last post, Chris and I began a process of healing. However, we didn't know it at the time. Chris was coaching a new AAU team. Our original team was graduating high school, and Chris had a few kids who were high school juniors who needed a team. Two of those boys were Ade and John Paul. Those of you who are close to us know those names. If you don't know those names, then keep reading.
Immediately, Chris and I felt attached to Ade and John Paul. They played high school basketball with one of the team members from our original team. Ade is from Nigeria and John Paul is from Saint Lucia. We met them in March, and they started confiding in us about some of the unbelievable things that were happening to them. Instead of going into details, just trust me that they were living in less than desirable living conditions. We offered for them to live with us, and we'd help them find a new school. They took our offer, and we became an instant family. Unfortunately, we weren't able to find the boys a school nearby, even though my husband and I called around and interviewed with multiple schools. The local schools weren't qualified to accept foreign students. So, Chris found a school in Indiana. Since they've been gone, we have been able to bring them home and go on college visits, but we really miss having them at home.
Chris and I have fallen in love with these boys as if they were our own. The last year hasn't been the easiest thing for us, but these boys have made me feel like a mother, which is something I've wanted for a long time. I can't wait to bring them home in June before they move into college.
I am forever grateful for their parents who felt compelled to send them to school in America so they could bring me such happiness. I hope I get to meet their parents one day and tell them what amazing young men they raised. There have been a few parenting moments that haven't been easy, but I wouldn't change anything about the past year with them. There have been some very awesome parenting moments too!
This is surely not the life I planned for myself, but I have grown so much in the Lord over the past year. He has helped me see wonderful qualities in these 2 boys that I would love to see in my own children. I am terribly proud of them and can't wait to see them graduate next week. I am so happy for them and love them more than I ever could've imagined I could love someone else's children.
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