How to make a tough decision

Over the past year, I have felt many uncertainties of what to do next.  There's so much I don't know right now, but I know that Chris and I want children.  In this post, I plan to share my feelings.  I plan to glorify God in all that I say right now, so I hope and pray that's what will happen. 

I've noticed that when you want to be a parent for as long as I have, the holidays are tough.  That's a time of the year that I feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by a whole group of people.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's, Easter, Mother's Day..........all these holidays go by with me watching people doing all this fun stuff with their small children.  I don't have that.  It breaks my heart.  My husband has been amazingly supportive, but there's only so much he can understand.  He's not a woman, so it truly is different for him.  He wants a child as much as I do, but he also hates seeing me so upset because there's nothing he can do to fix it. 

Over the past month, I've felt a very strong desire to blog, but I've kept my feelings inside.  I started praying that my desires would line up with God's will.  Yesterday, I got this feeling that us having biological children just isn't in the plan.  I could be wrong, but I really feel that.  When I felt that, I got kinda mad because it's not what I want for my life.  There's times when I still want to adopt and times that I really do not want to at all.  On some days, I just want it to be Chris and I for our whole lives.  I don't really know what to do.  It has been a very desperate feeling. 

A few months ago, I went to my ob/gyn appointment with the most amazing doctor.  He has been great through all of this.  He suggested the laparoscopy last year.  At my most recent appointment, he suggested a few things.  One of those was to put me on letrozole, which has been used as a fertility drug.  That's all we're doing at the moment, other than praying. 

I don't say all this to make people feel uncomfortable around me.  I just want the average person to get a glimpse into how I feel.  Please know that I am still profoundly blessed and am so thankful for my life, even if we never have children.  I have a husband who loves me more than I can truly explain, and I know that there's many people who can't say that. 

My prayer now is that God will reveal His will to me, that I'll accept it, and that I'll be fulfilled in it.  I want things of the flesh, but I also want my desires to reflect His desires.  I have such mixed feelings right now, but I know that if this is my prayer, then God will reveal his plan to me.  I just hope He provides me with peace and the strength it will take to choose His way and not mine. 

A Whole Year Later....

I apologize for being gone so long.  A lot has happened since my last post.  I was very angry then.  And hurt.  I've been planning to blog for about a month now, but I just haven't gotten around to it.  This is past due.

Less than a month after my last post, Chris and I began a process of healing.  However, we didn't know it at the time.  Chris was coaching a new AAU team.  Our original team was graduating high school, and Chris had a few kids who were high school juniors who needed a team.  Two of those boys were Ade and John Paul.  Those of you who are close to us know those names.  If you don't know those names, then keep reading.

Immediately, Chris and I felt attached to Ade and John Paul.  They played high school basketball with one of the team members from our original team.  Ade is from Nigeria and John Paul is from Saint Lucia.  We met them in March, and they started confiding in us about some of the unbelievable things that were happening to them.  Instead of going into details, just trust me that they were living in less than desirable living conditions.  We offered for them to live with us, and we'd help them find a new school.  They took our offer, and we became an instant family.  Unfortunately, we weren't able to find the boys a school nearby, even though my husband and I called around and interviewed with multiple schools.  The local schools weren't qualified to accept foreign students.  So, Chris found a school in Indiana.  Since they've been gone, we have been able to bring them home and go on college visits, but we really miss having them at home. 

Chris and I have fallen in love with these boys as if they were our own.  The last year hasn't been the easiest thing for us, but these boys have made me feel like a mother, which is something I've wanted for a long time.  I can't wait to bring them home in June before they move into college. 

I am forever grateful for their parents who felt compelled to send them to school in America so they could bring me such happiness.  I hope I get to meet their parents one day and tell them what amazing young men they raised.  There have been a few parenting moments that haven't been easy, but I wouldn't change anything about the past year with them.  There have been some very awesome parenting moments too!

This is surely not the life I planned for myself, but I have grown so much in the Lord over the past year.  He has helped me see wonderful qualities in these 2 boys that I would love to see in my own children.  I am terribly proud of them and can't wait to see them graduate next week.  I am so happy for them and love them more than I ever could've imagined I could love someone else's children. 

What's going on?

So I've had a lot of people asking me how the adoption process is going. Well…I don't really know. Let me catch y'all up.

In October I found a girl who was 7 months pregnant. We met and fell in love with each other. She was going to have us adopt her baby. However, the next day, she had a miscarriage. That really hurt a lot, but we were prepared to move on.

Well this birth mom wanted to get pregnant again for us. I thought that was so amazing, but I didn't plan for that to happen. Could it really be that easy??? She and I stayed in contact and the next month, she told me she was pregnant. I couldn't believe it!! She and I talked every day. I was so happy! We were so happy, but we kept this information to ourselves for awhile. After about 4 months, we started telling very few close friends and family. People were getting excited and started talking about planning a nursery and a shower. I was even meeting up with the birth mom for lunch. We started talking to an attorney and even met with him during spring break. The next week, the birth parents went to the attorney and signed papers.

As chance would have it, I knew her sister. Her sister came to see me one day and I talked to her about this pregnancy. Strangely enough, she didn't know a thing about it. The sister became very skeptical and decided that she was going to take the birth mom to the doctor an see what was going on. The birth mom hadn't been to the doctor since about 10 weeks pregnant, so I thought it was a great idea. The next day, the sister took the birth mom to the clinic and found out that there wasn't a pregnancy. The sister came to me and told me about it. I was pretty shocked. I didn't hear from the birth mom until much later that evening. I have no idea if anything she ever said to me was true because I haven't talked to her since that day. It was over a month ago. I've kept this information to myself for awhile because I was angry and I didn't want to blog about this until I had gotten past my anger. I was a lot more angry too because we now have attorney fees for something that will never happen. I'm not going to tell anyone how to feel, but please just pray for this person. She obviously has some issues to deal with. I've obviously left out a lot of information, but I wanted to tell the most necessary information.

Right now, Chris and I don't know what the next step is in our life. I want to thank all of you so much for all the donations and prayers that have been sent our way. We appreciate it more than any of you will ever know.  We have been playing with the idea of fostering or housing exchange students. Also, I had diagnostic laparoscopy in March at my doctor's suggestion and the doctor found some endometriosis, so who knows what's next?? After all that's happened lately, I just need to time to pray and wait for what's next. I didn't know how I felt about putting this information out there, but I know a lot of people have been praying for us, and I wanted to give everyone an update. Please keep the prayers coming. I know God has something amazing in store for us, and I'm just trying to enjoy the ride He has us on.

Adoption Yard Sale

Chris and I have finally set a date for our adoption fundraiser!  The date will be Saturday, October 29th.

We are asking for any donations of items you no longer need or want.  The costs for adoptions are high, so we are shamelessly asking for any help.  We are willing to meet you or come pick up items.  Every little thing helps, so please don't feel that your items are "junk.'' Message me on facebook or send me a text if you have any items. 

I can not say enough how grateful our family is for all the help offered on our journey!  I love all the words of encouragement and excitement.  Even if you aren't able to donate items, please pray for us.  Pray that we will have the strength to carry on throughout this process.  Pray that we have the stamina to make it through all this paperwork.  Currently, we are working on getting our background checks completed, and this may take a few months.  During that time, we will be doing our home studies.  (Our first meeing with our social worker is tomorrow!)  Pray that we will be able to find ways to save money or make extra money.  Pray that we can add to our family quickly!  Above all, pray for God's will to be done. 

We are very excited but also a little apprehensive about paying for our adoption.  Both of us completely believe that God will provide, but it is not always easy to feel what we believe.  I know that God is going to bless us in ways that we can't even imagine right now. 

This is an extremely emotional journey.  I am learning new things each and every day about my emotions and my beliefs.  I have learned so much about myself and my relationship to God and to my husband.  And the best part, is I know that there's so much more to come.  Thank you for being a part of that journey!

It's official!!!!

So our papers are officially in, and I could not be more excited!!! I can't wait to share all the wonderful, and not so wonderful, steps along our journey. God is so good!!! I am asking for prayers!!! First, I'm asking that you pray for us to have strength and patience, as this will not always be easy. I'm sure there are going to be times we'll need encouragement. Also, pray for our birthmother. It's crazy, but it's completely possible that she's already pregnant or will be very soon. Pray that she will feel a peace about choosing us to parent her child. Pray also for strength because I know this journey will not be easy for her. Pray that God will provide financially. We plan on doing some fundraisers and saving, but we are trusting in God to provide. There are so many things I'm leaving out for sure, but just pray for whatever you'd like. Pray that this happens quickly!!! :) I can't wait to share our journey. Please know that we do not feel anything but excitement about this whole journey. Chris and I love each other very much, and we can't wait to share that with our baby! Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

God's voice

It's not always easy knowing if you are doing the right thing. Sometimes, things start off feeling so right, but then you get confused or start thinking that what God wants just doesn't make sense. That's how I've felt lately. A great friend of mine helped me get back on track (thanks Liz). She helped me realize how important it is to talk about your feelings and she let me ramble on to her for probably about 2 whole hours!! And she still likes me!! Lol! :) Today, I talked to a wonderful woman of God who adopted 4 children about 40-50 years ago. I like talking to others who've adopted because it reminds me that I'm not alone. But something she said at the end of our conversation hit me!! She said that this past weekend, her whole family, all 32 of them, including children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, were at her home for the holiday weekend. She and her husband looked at each other and talked about how they have been blessed more than they could've ever hoped or asked for. That's when I felt like it hit me. If you've been following my blog, you know that that's our verse. The one that pretty much started this whole journey. I know that it was God confirming that what I'm doing is right. It has been so easy these last few months to get down. So many of my friends and family have a family and I want us to experience that too. I just have to trust in God's timing. And just to update - our papers are being turned in tomorrow!! I am still so thankful for all God has done, but I'm even more excited about what He's going to do!!!

Not about me....

This morning, I was reading the chronological Bible and it had me read 2 Samuel 7 and 1 Chronicles 17. This is where King David is looking at all that God has done for him and realizes he wants to do something for God. He talks to the prophet Nathan about building a home for the Ark of the Covenant. Nathan tells him to go ahead and do it, but later that night God gives Nathan a vision telling David not to build a home for the Ark. Instead of just saying no, God went on to say he would give David a dynasty and let one of his descendants build a temple. The passage goes on to say that even though David received a no about building the temple, he got together the supplies so that his son Solomon could build the temple. 

My whole point isn't to just tell this story. Initially, I looked up an explanation to this passage to find out if it was talking about Solomon or Jesus. There were so many details in the story that I found fascinating.  But a quote that I found blew me away.

There was a quote from a guy named F.B. Meyer.  It said, "If you cannot have what you hoped, do not sit down in despair and allow the energies of your life to run to waste; but arise, and gird yourself to help others to achieve.  If you may not build, you may gather materials for him that shall.  If you may not go down the mine, you can hold the ropes."  I felt like this quote was speaking to me directly!!!

I might not be pregnant, but I feel that God has given us the tools to raise a child.  I don't want to sit down in despair and let the energies of my life run to waste. 

Before we made our decision to adopt, I kept telling God that I wanted to be obedient.  I feel so certain that God has promised a child to us, and I am patiently waiting on Him to fulfill it in His perfect timing.  I don't feel anxious about what will happen because I know that this has come from God and that He will fulfill his promise to us.  I can't wait because I want to let God's glory show!  I want Him to use me to tell the story of His son and His great love for us.